OK, I have a confession to make. Until I was about 10 years old, I thought babies were born through their mother’€™s belly buttons.

Like many other South Africans, I grew up in a religious family. The mere mention of sex caused my parents to squirm around and change the subject.

So I was an easy target for every kind of misinformation, as I relied on my friends to tell me about this Big Mystery called sex.

My friend Diane convinced me that I would fall pregnant if I touched a boy when I was menstruating. I was terrified, and it took me weeks to pluck up the courage to ask my mother whether this was true.

When I tell Lhase and Zanele some of the things I believed as a kid, they laugh at me. They are both 16, have been sexually active since they were 14 and seem to know a whole lot about sex.

But when I ask them how they got to know so much about sex, they say: “Our friends told us about it.”

Lhase goes even further, explaining how her boyfriend initiated her: “I was enjoying kissing with my boyfriend one day, then he said I wants to do the sex thing. I said ‘€˜what’€™s that all about’€™, and he said he will show me. So I took off my panty and we did it.”

So even today, friends — rather than parents — are the main source of information about sex for teenagers.

Parents generally are still not advising their children about sex ‘€“ despite the fact that unprotected sex can kill their children, thanks to HIV/AIDS.

Most new HIV infections take place amongst youngsters between the ages of 15 and 20.

If the current infection rates continue, statisticians predict that 50% of all 15-year-olds could die of AIDS-related diseases.

Half of all our 15-year-olds! That statistic is almost impossible to digest. It is too big and too frightening.

But there is hope. That hope lies in the fact that about 45% of South Africans are under the age of 15 and have not yet started to have sex.

International experience shows that the best way to prevent HIV (and other sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy) is by encouraging young people to use condoms before they start to have sex. That way, sex with a condom becomes established as the norm.

It is especially important that teenage girls are targeted before they are 15 years old, as they are particularly vulnerable to the sexual advances of older men.

The majority of South Africans who are already sexually active don’€™t use condoms. Only 10% of teenagers use condoms, for example. Getting them to change their sexual habits is far more difficult than establishing condom use from the start.

Says Jean-Luc (14): “I am not in danger of contracting HIV at the moment. But I have been thinking about the future and I know that when I become sexually active I will use a condom.”

There is also opportunity. Surveys show that most teenagers would like to learn about sex from their parents. So parents are in a very powerful position to influence their children to protect themselves against HIV.

Zanele fiddles with her Kangol hat, trying to hide her hurt, as she tells me how her mother beat her for asking about sex.

“I asked her what a boyfriend wants to do when he asks for sex. But my mother beat me. She said I mustn’€™t talk about this. She said it wasn’€™t right.”

Lhase’€™s mother also got angry. Cynthia’€™s mother never told her daughter a word about sex. “Even today, she pretends she doesn’€™t know I am having sex with my boyfriend”, says Cynthia.

Jean-Luc says he learnt about sex mainly from friends and a talk at his school, although his mother did discuss sex with him and answered him when he asked her what AIDS was.

“It feels weird having to discuss sex with your parents. You can’€™t be as open,” he says.

Helen, Jean-Luc’€™s mother, explains that she went through a basic book on sex with her son when he was about 10 and has followed up on that with other talks over the years.

For Helen, talking about sex was also an opportunity to explain some of her values to her son: “It would have been very difficult equipping him with mere biological facts without the moral aspects attached. I don’t think that is fair to kids. They need to be able to contextualise sex and have parents to provide moral guidelines.
“I was able to explain that sex is a privilege, something you work towards as part of a relationship driven by love.”

Linda, a single mother of two teenage boys, admits that she never told them a thing about sex.

“I was too embarrassed,” she says, but readily concedes that she should have ‘€“ “especially because this AIDS is a killer”.

Nathan, a divorced father of a teenage daughter, says he has “no idea” whether she has had sex yet. “How would I know? I wouldn’€™t even begin to know how to ask her.” Like many fathers, he has left “that sort of thing” to his daughter’€™s mother.

Lindiwe, on the other hand, has been open with Nobuntu ever since her daughter started to menstruate at the age of 12.

“I was never told a thing by my parents. That’€™s why I had a baby when I was only 19,” says Lindiwe. “As soon as my daughter started her periods, I told her she needs to be very careful because she can now have a baby. I said I know she’€™s gonna have boyfriends soon and she’€™s gonna start having sex.

“Times are changing. We have to accept that. I can’€™t be with Nobuntu 24-hours a day. The only thing I can do is talk to her and tell her to be proud of herself and to protect herself.”

Nobuntu (16) says she appreciates her mother’€™s openness. She also says that she appreciates that it was difficult for her mother to get ahead because she fell pregnant so young.

Some parents believe that talking about sex will encourage their children to have sex. But the opposite seems to be true.

As Sipho (15) says: “If a child doesn’€™t know something, then he’€™ll experiment to find out what it is. But is he has information about it, then he’€™ll leave it alone.

“Like if you know that a fire burns then you won’€™t check it out whether it is burning or not. I think it’€™s the same with teens and sex.”

The Netherlands, Norway and Sweden have a very open-minded approach to sex. Yet in those countries, teenagers have sex later and far fewer fall pregnant than in the more conservative US or South Africa.

In the Netherlands, for example, only 12 teenagers out of 1 000 fall pregnant. The average age of sexual debut is 17.7. In the US, 70 teenagers out of 1 000 have babies and the average age for starting sex is 16.3 years.

In our country, one third of all babies born have teenage mothers, while most 15-year-olds are already having sex.

So, exactly as Sipho predicts, silence is a useless preventive measure. Ignorance will not protect teenagers, but rather make them vulnerable to sexual exploitation, diseases and early pregnancy.

Another ineffective parental devise is the use of threats to try to stop teenagers from having sex. Thami admits that he told his daughter to “put on her chastity belt” when she was in her early teens because “the boys all just want one thing”.

But studies of sex education programmes that promote abstinence only show that they have little impact on teenage sexual behaviour. In addition, by focusing on “no sex”, they fail to provide vital information about contraceptives, and alienate those who are sexually active.

Thami’€™s daughter would have been better equipped had he provided her with basic information about sex, encouraged her to use a condom and explained that he was afraid that she would get HIV or pregnant if she had sex.

In addition, girls and boys need to be told the same message about sex and treated the same way.

If girls are told not to have sex while boys are not, girls will learn that sex is dangerous and bad while boys learn that it’€™s OK for them to have sex whenever they want to. Girls and boys need to get the same information so that they can share the responsibility and possible consequences of the sexual decisions.

Importantly, too, parents need to be good role models for their children if they want their children to listen to their advice.

“My father says I’€™m going to get pregnant because I like sex with my boyfriend too much,” says Lhase. “But he can’€™t do anything because he’€™s got a girlfriend.”

It’€™s tough being the parent of a teenager, dealing with all that moodiness and secrecy.

But parents need to appreciate that it’€™s really tough being a teenager too. Hormones are charging around their bodies bringing a lot of new feelings, including strong sexual feelings.

They are slowly leaving childhood and quickly becoming adults at the same time.

They have to try to negotiate sexual relationships in an environment where teenage promiscuity, sexual abuse and violence are the norms.

And they have to face the possibility that having sex could infect them with the HI Virus that will eventually weaken their bodies’€™ immunity and kill them.

As parents, we need to help our teenagers to deal with all the pressure so that they don’€™t resort to destructive behaviour or uniformed decisions. We can’€™t go with them to their parties or friends’€™ houses but the information that we have given to them can. It’€™s their only protection.

(Information from interviews and loveLife’€™s booklets, “Talking and Listening” and “Love them enough to talk about sex”.)