ANNIE FEMALE:   Hi, I have a problem. My partner is taking anti-retroviral treatment and he does not want to tell me anything. Obviously, he is HIV positive. How do I go about asking him? Though we have been using condoms he must share whatever he’€™s going through with me.    

KHOPOTSO: That’€™s a letter I received by e-mail from Annie Female, not her real name. Female goes on to say that by virtue of the fact that her partner is taking ARVs she can reach only one conclusion: that he has HIV. But even so, this leaves her confused.

ANNIE FEMALE: The first time that I suspected that he has HIV was when I saw him taking anti-retrovirals. Questions that I ask myself are: is he taking them because he has been exposed to the virus, or because he knows his status? Or did he get the medication from a friend and he is taking it without knowing what they are meant for?

KHOPOTSO: In her frustrated letter, Female goes on to say that after numerous efforts to try to get her partner to talk about the matter, she has failed dismally. Instead, he would be aggressive, claiming that he was ‘€˜fine’€™ and that he ‘€˜does not need any counselling.’€™ Gavin Robertson is a psychologist who works in couples’€™ HIV counselling and testing. He analyses the problem between Female and her partner.

GAVIN ROBERTSON: There seems to be a desire on his part to discuss the situation because he is leaving the medication lying around where she can see it. In a way, he’€™s almost wanting her to re-act to that and, perhaps, to initiate a discussion about the situation. He’€™s obviously needing a lot of support. He’€™s perhaps feeling very vulnerable and there’€™s a lot of changes happening in his life, and a very important thing would be to have support from his partner. He may also be very scared at the very same time’€¦ Essentially there’€™s a problem of communication in the sense that she’€™s wanting to communicate about the situation; he’€™s wanting to because he’€™s leaving the medication lying around, and yet the two of them cannot find the resources within themselves to actually do that. There’€™s possibly too much anxiety, or too much fear around what may happen to the relationship.

KHOPOTSO: But then, it would seem like at least the woman has been trying to do this. She has actually approached her partner who has responded by saying he is ‘€˜fine.’€™ He does not ‘€˜need any counselling.’€™ One partner is talking and the other one is not forth-coming?      

GAVIN ROBERTSON: Unfortunately, sometimes men are socialised into only expressing certain emotions. And one of the more acceptable ones is anger. So, he may be feeling quite a range of different things and yet it may only be appropriate or he’€™s been conditioned only to respond through anger. And this is the response now that she is seeing. And, of course, that becomes intimidating and possibly frightening, and so, she backs off and it doesn’€™t go any further.

KHOPOTSO: But even though Annie Female constantly hits a brick-wall with her partner, her desire to want to help him remains. But why does her partner shut her out?

GAVIN ROBERTSON: I think that the person saying or giving the impression that they are not really wanting to be helped is not necessarily an accurate reflection of what the situation is. I think that that person may be feeling quite alone and quite scared at times. But it’€™s just too difficult to actually acknowledge that they need help from somebody else. So, the person who’€™s wanting to help – and this is exactly what she’€™s saying – she’€™s saying she understands what the situation is and she wants to help, and whether or not he has HIV, this is not the issue. She loves him and she wants to support him whatever the situation. That’€™s there, but she needs to communicate to him her support and her love in a way that is comfortable to him; and in a way that he can take from that; and that he can accept that; and that they can both work through that and it’€™s beneficial for the relationship. If it comes across in a way that threatens him, then it becomes difficult for him to accept that and to take that. Of course, it’€™s completely dependent on how he receives it and what kinds of defences he puts up against it, possibly.

E-mail: Khopotso Bodibe