KHOPOTSO: Ishmael Ngozo and his lover have been together for two years. The 23 year-old has HIV and the partner doesn’€™t.  

ISHMAEL NGOZO: This is my baby, CL’€¦ He met me when I was already HIV-positive. After we had been dating for a couple of weeks I had to tell him. It was not that easy to’€¦ I thought he was going to leave me. But he was there for me. He understood. He’€™s been there for me until now.  

KHOPOTSO: For various reasons, including that he does not wish to publicly disclose   his sexual orientation, Ishmael’€™s partner is known as CL for purposes of this report.        

CL: When he told me that he was HIV-positive it was a bit shocking at first. I was not scared for myself. I was scared for him because I know how to protect myself from getting the virus. So, I was scared for him that he already had it. But I had to accept it to give him support. So, that’€™s what I did.

KHOPOTSO: Some people would actually say you’€™re ‘€˜very brave.’€™ Others would say you’€™re actually ‘€˜stupid’€™ going out with somebody that’€™s infected with HIV?

CL: Well, definitely I’€™ve come across those comments. It’€™s all about me and believing in what I believe in. I know that I’€™m not stupid and I’€™m not doing it for anyone. I’€™m doing it for myself because I do love him’€¦ I know how to protect myself. That’€™s the most important thing. And I know where I stand. And I know what to do. And I know what not to do. So, I don’€™t think I’€™ve been stupid.    

KHOPOTSO: A smile of appreciation lights up Ishmael’€™s ebony face as CL speaks. As much as the couple is happy though, HIV presents Ishmael with a number of insecurities.                    

ISHMAEL NGOZO: Most of the time I stress about him. What if he meets someone who is negative, like our friends would say things like ‘€˜he’€™s wasting his time. What if I die?’€™ I do think about those things. What if I die and I leave him? What would he do if I have full-blown AIDS and I’€™m lying there and I can’€™t do anything? And I feel depressed. I feel depressed not for me. I feel depressed for him. I some times feel as if we shouldn’€™t be together. He doesn’€™t deserve to be with someone who is now sick. Each and every time I’€™m sick I’€™m scared, ‘€˜Oh my God, I’€™m dying or something’€™.

KHOPOTSO: But Ishmael is still healthy. He’€™s on antiretrovirals and responding well to treatment. CL, is a source of inspiration to him.

CL: It’€™s not like a death sentence, this disease. It’€™s how you deal with it. If you can start accepting it you can live with it.

KHOPOTSO: What are the challenges that you have come across in this relationship – you’€™re negative and he’€™s positive ‘€“ if you don’€™t mind going into those?

CL: (he laughs) Well, he’€™s more depressed and I have to deal with his depression’€¦

KHOPOTSO: How do you get him through those?

CL: By telling him, by supporting him, by letting him see that it’€™s not the end of the world. There is life. You can still go on and be strong if you take care of yourself. Being scared that you’€™re going to die is something that is going to stress you and that’€™s what’€™s going to kill you at the end of the day. That’€™s how I’€™ve kept him going.                    

KHOPOTSO: The challenges are even far-reaching, extending into their sex life.    

ISHMAEL: As much as they say ‘€˜do not use the government condoms, use some whatever condoms that you buy because they’€™re stronger’€™ we buy those condoms, but the other time it burst even though we’€™re using so much lubricant. I don’€™t know what happened ‘€“ why it actually burst. Immediately when that happens you need to have medication around you. There’€™s this other medication that you take ‘€“ it doesn’€™t have to be more than 72 hours’€¦

KHOPOTSO: Post-exposure prophylaxis?

ISHMAEL: Yes, yes, yes’€¦ As much as he knows how to protect himself there’€™s always that risk as it happened. He had to take those things (the medicine) immediately. And after that he had to go for a test’€¦ Also, he may go and sleep outside and manipulate me and say ‘€˜I got it from you’€™. So, I protect myself from him and he protects himself from me’€¦ I think the other thing that becomes difficult with sex is that you’€™ve got to know when is a good time to have sex. For example, like now he’€™s got some sores on his lips. I can’€™t kiss him because he might be bleeding or something. He’€™s my baby, but we’€™ve got to play it safe.

KHOPOTSO: It’€™s been two years since the couple first met. Ishmael is up on his feet and has regained his self-esteem. They are in love, but as in many young relationships the future is not certain.          

CL: Now I know that even if I were to leave him he won’€™t feel like I’€™m leaving him because of his HIV status. He will understand because now he has accepted. I will be leaving free. It will be because of the problems that we have in the relationship because each and every relationship has its problems, not because of HIV.

ISHMAEL: Are you telling me that you’€™re going to leave me?

CL: (they both laugh) I’€™m just saying if I were to leave you. If I were to leave you, I know deep inside that you’€™ll understand and you’€™ll accept that I’€™m not leaving you because of your HIV status.      

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