At age 54, one might think that he is settled and happy in his marriage or that his libido has begun to wane. But that is not so for Bheki, who lives in Soweto’€™s middle class Dobsonville Extension 2. He and his wife have been married for 15 years and they lead a seemingly comfortable lifestyle. He is a regular church-goer and often quotes verse and chapter. His respectable and pastoral manner does not give away what he gets up to behind his wife’€™s back. Bheki, who declined to give us his surname, has an extra-marital affair ‘€“ and he told us why.          

‘€œIt’€™s because sometimes men don’€™t get satisfied sexually at home’€, he said.

‘€œ The wife is the dominant partner, that is to say, she tells what she wants, she decides what she wants’€, and then pauses, before explaining:

‘€œ When it comes to sex men are forever hungry. There is no reason for us to go and look for someone else if at home I know I’€™ve got everything. But if my wife cannot satisfy me, definitely out there, there might be someone who is as hungry and greedy as I am. For instance, if you’€™re having sex you need to do all different styles. And if you tell your wife, I want to do the doggy style today, she’€™ll tell you straight: ‘€˜Ke mmao oo. Ha se nna ntja’€™, meaning that: ‘€˜It’€™s your mom. I’€™m not a dog’€™. But if you go outside, oh, with pleasure they give you’€.

In looking for satisfaction somewhere else, Bheki is aware of the risks that are involved, including contracting HIV and passing it on to his wife.

‘€œBut what can you do?’€ he asks. When you get married you want to have a stable family and live a happy life. But you’€™re happy on certain things. On the key thing you are not happy. What do you do?   If my wife doesn’€™t give me sex, what does she expect? If your wife doesn’€™t have sex with you, who does she have sex with? If, definitely, she’€™s not having sex, why does she not go to the doctor so that the doctor may find out what is driving her libido down?, Bheki offered more questions.