After 20 years of marriage, J, aged 50 is no longer having sex with his wife.  

‘€œNo, we don’€™t. The last time we did it was last year October.   (If) she doesn’€™t want, she can stay as long as she wants. The last word I said to her (was): ‘€˜You may take it and give it to anybody that you see it’€™s fit for him’€™.’€, says.

J hasn’€™t had sex with his wife for six months. He explained that he lost sexual interest in the 44-year-old mother of two children ‘€œsoon after marriage because she often refuses him sex’€.

‘€œThat problem started after three months we got married. We talked. We couldn’€™t resolve it. We called the parents. I remember one time when we were sitting when they asked what the problem was. She just jumped and closed my mouth. Eventually, my mother and her mother called her to the bedroom and talked to her. The situation was alright for plus minus two months… Aag, she went back to her old tricks’€.

He says ‘€œvarious attempts to resolve the matter have failed’€. To satisfy himself, he resorted to ‘€œfinding sexual satisfaction elsewhere’€.

‘€œNo, I don’€™t feel guilty. As I’€™m saying, you’€™ve talked to the person. You have involved the family and you have gone to the right structures trying to overcome the problem. She doesn’€™t want to. So, what should one do? We referred to FAMSA (the Family and Marriage Association of South Africa). And’€¦ you know what?  There’€™s one thing – you cannot change the leopard’€™s colours. If the leopard is black and white, it’€™s black and white. You cannot change the leopard’€™s colours’€ J says.

When asked if he uses protection with his girlfriend, J revealed that he is something of a player. He sighs before answering: ‘€œ I’€™ve got more than one partner. I don’€™t want to lie to you. I’€™ve got more than one partner. And there are some that I condomise (with), some I don’€™t. Oh, I’€™ve got enough. That has made me to go back to my heydays when I was growing up. I’€™ve got a girlfriend that I’€™m 19 years with. That woman has been taking care of me’€.

He added that ‘€œI’€™ve got nothing to lose. Let me tell you one thing, I know there’€™s a lot of preaching ‘€˜AIDS kills’€™’€¦ What have I got to lose?’€, when asked why he wasn’€™t regularly using condoms with his partners.